What do I want ?

Many times, I am perplexed by the audacity of people in planning their careers / life ahead of them. I think partly, this is driven out of my own jealousy of them. When I see them (particularly, the ambitious, career oriented type of people),  they seem to know what they want for themselves with an awful amount of clarity, whereas I am nowhere near anything like that !

I read a book two weeks ago - "When breath becomes air" by Paul Kalanithi. I feel humbled even to write an introduction to Paul, so attaching his intro here.

In his book, Paul writes about many things. While his writing on his childhood mesmerised me,  when he talked about concepts of God & religion, I simply couldn't comprehend the complex abstract concepts he has expressed tersely in such dense statements. He writes that when the news of cancer loomed on him, he felt that he had built up potential till then and his potential would go unrealised. This line moved me deeply. 

When I read this book, I felt that this person worked his ass off, did all he could, but still life threw him a shitty brick & he had to succumb to it. I get two thoughts, one - why is that I am lazy and I do not work on even building up potential, forget realising it. And second, what do I want do do in my life ?

I have thought much on the concepts of Job, Career,  Passion, Spirituality, Living in the moment etc etc. The more I get introduced to such concepts, the more they all confuses me. The answer to "How should I live my life" evades me. There are people who are "Career" focused. There are people who just want "Jobs". There are people who want to travel the world. There are "foodies". There are people who are religious. There are people who have "Passion", then there are those who do random things to find their "Passion". There are those who believe in "YOLO" / "FIRE" whatever.

It is such a confusing world ! When I look at myself, I seem to be analysing different ways of living life instead of actually living it ! And I want to live life "the right" way ! What stupidity.

Behind all these, I realise it more and more powerfully, that my inauthenticities are the reason behind these insecurities, and my damn conclusions about life (what is right/not right, how things should be/ shouldn't be) are the ones stopping me from seeing and living life as is.

To sum it up:

It's really bugger all down here on earth !