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What do I want ?

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Many times, I am perplexed by the audacity of people in planning their careers / life ahead of them. I think partly, this is driven out of my own jealousy of them. When I see them (particularly, the ambitious, career oriented type of people),  they seem to know what they want for themselves with an awful amount of clarity, whereas I am nowhere near anything like that ! I read a book two weeks ago - "When breath becomes air " by Paul Kalanithi. I feel humbled even to write an introduction to Paul, so attaching his intro here. In his book, Paul writes about many things. While his writing on his childhood mesmerised me,  when he talked about concepts of God & religion, I simply couldn't comprehend the complex abstract concepts he has expressed tersely in such dense statements. He writes that when the news of cancer loomed on him, he felt that he had built up potential till then and his potential would go unrealised. This line moved me deeply.  When I read this book,...
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The Mundanity

Isn't life mundane ? So many random things - so seemingly organised for you, to follow, to be that sheep in the herd, to be a "good" person, to "earn" a living. My life seems to be going in a straight line, too much. One time, I get fucking bored with it, Another time, I get fucking excited.  These days, I'm finding few moments of excitement, the mundane is beginning to take over. It's the same stupid routine everyday, wake up, exercise (may be), eat, work, talk, support others, sleep. Mundane as hell. What a waste of existence. What the fuck is the point of life anyway ? Is it just a time and just endure it ? Ok, some people say there is no fucking point, and it's just "life" and you are asking a wrong question. Honestly, I don't care. It's too mundane & pointless for me.  Don't get me wrong, I am not suicidal or anything like that, It is just fucking boring. Just a series of days where you keep doing something that you lik...
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Jack of all Trades. Master of None.

When I was younger, I had high levels of energy. ( I didn't realise it then, I realise it now, when I am older ). I wanted to be the BEST at everything. Many times, even though I was not even good at things, I thought I was. I wanted acknowledgement from others. I didn't realise it then, but a lot of things I did were to get approval from others. I saw someone singing and someone else praising that person, I hated that I was not being acknowledged for the awesome talent I had.  I had some talent, in many fields, and when I look back, I really did not work on my talents and groom it. I worked on it enough to get an acknowledgement from others. I never worked hard to become better at them, I worked superficially just enough to be OK at it & to prove to others that even I was to be considered. It probably showed, but I was happy in my own world. Fast forward a few years, what I realise now is that I was a fool who was trying to take shortcuts. I still try to do it now. Be ...
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In the beginning

Sometimes, there are these moments in life, when you look back and wonder, what the hell is happening around. There are so many things, out of control. Life is happening (?), There is honestly not much time spent to pause for sometime and look back, once. I feel like I am just wading through life. Just the smell of a rain in early summer hits the break on that pedal, and I can wonder again, find what is missing in my life while I have been busy running. Today was one such moment. It is raining in Bengaluru & Bengaluru is in a Covid lockdown, it is day 17 of the lockdown. I am honestly bored as hell. I am working from home, however my productivity has hit a new low with the context switches between work @ home & work from home, general boredom, missing professional environment of office & frankly, no one asking too many questions. There are some positives during this difficult time, I have been exercising every morning for ~2 hours, getting more time to spend with my fa...
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